Sex, Jobs, Shopping and the Royal Mail: Or a Perfect Day in the UK
Posted by Jane
The Top Ten Things I Wish Someone Would Say in this Country …Preferably to Me
1. Film Company: Congratulations You’ve just been hired. Welcome to the team! And since you’ve had to endure that awful city Los Angeles we’ve decided to up your salary.
2. Kip: Wow you do (that) amazingly well. I think I’ll move back to London…forever.
3. John and Yoko Flatmates: We’ve just reduced your rent because we realize you never use the common area and we feel bad hogging the flat screen television every night and trying to force you to eat our organic chicken. Also, our cat, Jack, would happily like you to know he will no longer be joining you during those midnight bathroom runs.
4. Carla: Ethan just told me he wants to fuck your American brains out…and then go out for a cuppa tea followed by a couple episodes of The West Wing naked in his bed. Holy Mama!
5. NHS General Practitioner: You’re health is impeccable, I’m impressed. In fact, you’re so amazing you can stop by anytime, no appointment necessary. In fact, here’s my mobile number…
6. Literary Agent: I read your script and was so impressed I passed it around the office. Luckily for you, Mike Leigh just happened to be in, read it and wants to direct it straight away. What’s your schedule like and when can we buy you an expensive lunch?
7. Carla: Ethan wants you to come back and fuck your brains out again…and buy you a multi-regional DVD player so you too can enjoy his HUGE…DVD collection when he’s not around. And so Tilia can also reap the benefits of his…generosity.
8. Letter from Topshop: Congratulations! You’ve just won a £1,000 shopping spree in our largest shop on Oxford Street. A stretch limo will pick you up at your flat at your earliest convenience so you don’t have to carry all those awfully heavy bags down to the tube and get them knicked.
9. Oxfam Sales Manager: Excuse me Miss, I’ve noticed you walk by every day eyeing that vintage violin in the window. I’ve decided to go ahead and save you the walk. Here you go, it’s yours. Happy early Christmas. It was a vagrants anyways…someone knicked it off him while he was sleeping outside the door…I feel quite bad about it actually and need to emit some goodwill out into the universe.
10. Post Office Delivery Man: (Leaves a note with package on the doorstep) Hiya. This is Delivery man 2195. Now I know we can be right twats, only ringing the bell once at 7 am and leaving with a chuckle, making you wait days for your package where you have to go pick it up on some dodgy back street near some hole in the wall accompanied by lots of crackheads whistling, staring and asking for a fiver. To make it up to you, on behalf of the entire Royal Mail team here in London, I’ve especially wrapped your Amazon purchase in a fancy box with a bow. Attached is a year’s membership for free local delivery.
Cheers xx
11. (Runner Up) Cheeky UK Weather Announcer: Looks like the rest of the week is nothing but…sunny skies? Please don’t shoot me. I’m just the messenger.
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